please like me. or don’t?

as i mentioned yesterday on facebook when i posted the link to this blog, november is national blog posting month. this challenge, i hope, will inspire and motivate me to post something new each day for the whole month. and, since i hate to fail at things, so much that i usually don’t even embark on journeys i suspect could be left unfinished, you are pretty likely to have something to read from me every day in november. where i will probably fail is keeping it up when november has passed. i guess we’ll see.

coming up with things to write about every single day for a month is a challenge in itself. thankfully the internet comes to the rescue yet again, with more writing prompts than you could probably address in a lifetime. blogher, the organization that runs national blog posting month, offers weekly prompts specifically for this event. yesterday, week one’s prompts went up. however since at present i am a special blend of failure-averse And bored, i had already written my post for yesterday. (i happened to have just read tuesdays with morrie, and november 1st happened to be a tuesday, so… there you have it.)

but then, after posting yesterday’s blog, something crazy happened.

people read it.

now, this is one of those f-ing duh statements, you’re right. and, that’s the whole point. the whole point is to share my average thoughts expressed via my average writing talent, and have everyone say, wow, your thoughts are special and your talent is slightly above average! way to go, morgan who isn’t alone in the world or a failure! we are happy to know you and we like you even more now! but that is where the fear crept in. see, that is not even remotely guaranteed to happen.

i have some confidence in my writing, and more than some confidence in who i am as a person. at this point in my life i think i know who i am, and usually, i kinda like me 🙂 but like every other person, i have many facets which comprise the whole of who i am. for me i think writing a blog is, and should be, like putting that self on a revolving table in the sun. at different times, different angles will shine and others will be shadowed, and in time, those various aspects coalesce like a mosaic made of a thousand pictures that together form another image entirely; me.

and it’s not like in school when you had to present something to the class. man i really hated that. but in time i felt security in that i was presenting the ideas and conclusions of someone else. if someone didn’t like it, what did that have to do with me? this blog, on the other hand, has everything to do with me. even the completely fictional things i have written are my own words. so as the comments and follows and page views popped up yesterday, i simultaneously felt so good and validated, and terrified. this person wants me to be wittier than i am, this person won’t like the deep dark parts i want to share, this person wants me to be funny more often than i am, this person won’t think my emo is emo enough (ok i made that person up because that’s impossible – bahaha), etc. my assumptions of the expectations and potential judgements of others, not just any others but my peers and colleagues and friends, were so much more of a shock to me than they should have been. me, a person who always tries to be several steps ahead in the world of accommodating others and being liked. woah. that’s a lot of honesty.

but here’s even more. even though i need and want your validation, reader, i am not going to change what i wanted this writing to be for me. for better or worse i already do that in my daily interactions with other people. but this space is mine and i want it to be real. if you don’t want to read what i have to say, that would make me feel bad. but i will choose to accept it and you can always stop reading. isn’t freedom fabulous. the truth is, in this space, i shouldn’t change to accommodate someone else’s imagined feelings before they even have them – or for that matter, even if and after they do.

which brings me to the writing prompt for november 2nd; when was the last time you did something brave? what happened?

right now. and, i guess we’ll see.

 

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